INTJ

That's my type. It's who I am, I guess. It's hard to believe that 4 letters can sum up and dictate my life so much. Well they don't because as a psych person I have to point out the fallibility of any personality scale, and while useful is finding out about one's self, there is no way they can completely describe a person. Random variables that happen to cluster among a large N doesn't qualify as an extremely helpful personality nomenclature. Never the less, it is helpful in identifying patterns or even just making me think about my patterns.

I had a very intense conversation with a friend, Keah.

Why is it so easy to guard myself by pushing people away? The minute I start to feel even the possibility of pain, I retract like a turtle into my shell. Why do I always take the safest route? Why do I not seek happiness? I don't understand why I'm so afraid of rejection.

Girl

I haven't posted in awhile. I've been incredibly busy and actually been able to stay on task at work for the most part. I guess that's a good thing, but it's nice to sit back and blog and lose myself in writing for awhile. I've found there is something truly therapeutic about all of this. Even though I haven't written everything down, this has been a great way to focus my thoughts.

Right now I'm really back and forth on this girl, Keah. I've known Keah for years now. She's actually one of my oldest friends. Only my two friends that I keep in touch with from growing up would I consider older friends than Keah. We met in high school. She was living in Denver at the time where her dad was a pastor in the church of god. We actually met before the 1996 Phoenix youth convention in Tijuana at a work camp. Supposed we met there, but I don't remember it. I remember getting to know Keah the next summer at campmeeting. She actually ended up being closer to some of the other guys in my youth group because they were more her age. Anyways, I think I have developed feelings for her.

Update - I have developed feelings for her. I had to really question myself, when I was willing to fly her down from Seattle just for they day. I think I've felt this way for a couple of months, but because of the long friendship history I just tried to ignore it, but I can't anymore. I find myself having to resist calling her b/c I want to talk to her so much. It's so difficult b/c I dont' think she feels the same way. Any signs that might speak to that can easily be attributed to a long close friendship. I hate this and I love it. It's so good to have these types of feelings again because it has been so long, but at the same time it scares the crap out of me.