Stunned

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

I found this quote today while I was tooling around on myspace. Actually, the quote I saw was much less harsh, but the person didn't reference it correctly, so in searching for it I found the full quote. I see the quote as sarcastic remark from a friend more than a great thinker positing on one of life's mysteries. It's what all my friends have tried to say to me over the past two years, but without the eloquence.

While the "irredeemable" part is scary, I can't help but see comfort in the unbreakable and impenetrable part. Should my love/heart be redeemable? So someone can just rip it out again? I mentioned before that I hate the person I become in a relationship, it's because the person I become is nauseating. I'm a hopeless romantic, full of romantic gestures, but I try my best to stifle and drown that crap in my everyday life. When I'm dating someone, I'm unable to stifle it. I want to open up, but I hate the result. I always end up feeling like a fool. After Celise and I broke up, she talked all summer about getting back together or at least she talked of keeping the option open, I was completely against the idea. To me once there is a break up, it needs to end for closure purposes, if a "rerelationship" is going to work the first one needs to be closed, otherwise it's going to be the same story. Anyways, after the summer I saw her again, and I think in my desperate state (living in Cincinnati with no friends) I made a big romantic gesture saying I wanted her back, the time was right, blah blah blah. Of course I was rejected, that's the way those things go, for me at least. It's not like I wish it would have gone differently, that relationship was doomed, but it's not the first time this stuff has happened. I feel so dumb from that conversation, still to this day. I think that's why I don't care about seeing a lot of my old college friends b/c I assume some of them know that and are just laughing at me on the inside. Once again, proving I care way too much about what people think. Most likely, even if they do know, they probably have completely forgotten and if they remember they could care less, but somehow I'm so scared of being vulnerable, or even someone knowing I was once vulnerable. I don't know what that's about.

What's weird is that I kind of crave that vulnerability. As I write this, I think of one day showing it to someone, or I think of sharing some of the conclusions that I come to, but yet that freaks me out so much. I don't think I'm really a dichotomy b/c as I think about it I enjoy the sharing part, I'm just scared what's going to happen after I share. I only a have a few friends that I trust implicitly where I feel safe sharing that kind of stuff b/c I know they will not think differently of me, they will continue to love me.

It's strange, for so long I've been trying to convince myself that I don't need a spouse, but maybe I do. Last night in church the pastor was talking about our need to be cared for. It's this innate need created in us that desires to receive care from another person. I guess I believed that, but just though it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. God created some of us unique in that we don't need that, but I don't think that is true. Maybe he does intend for everyone to have a mate? Writing that last paragraph has made me really rethink everything. What does that mean for me if I actually admit that I need to look for a spouse (passively or actively)? I've built my world around me that is confortable and safe "wrapped carefully in hobbies and little luxuries" and I hate the idea of leaving that safe world.