Why a blog?

I suppose I should address why I am choosing to journal/blog because some of the back story is pertinent to everything at hand. The basic answer is that I want to get thoughts out in writing so that I can (maybe) sort them out. If you want the long drawn out version, keep reading.

Back in December there were some issues that were brought to light in my life. It was stuff I've tried to bury for years, but I was forced to confront it at some level. I was at a Christmas party in early December and I was "introduced" to this girl Jennie. I ended up talking with Jennie for about 30 minutes and was just blown away. Never before has a girl been that intriguing to me. It actually freaked me out a bit. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending your viewpoint), Jennie seemed disinterested so I didn't have to actually do anything, but that didn't stop my friends from harassing me for the next few days. I was finally forced to tell the real reason why I have avoided relationships for so long. I've come up with all sorts of excuses the past few years, like "I'm moving to California so no reason to date someone in Ohio," "no money because I'm unemployed," or "I've seen 2 friends go through divorce in the past year and I don't want that to be me." That last one's actually somewhat legitimate. Their stories have really freaked me out. In reality though, there was really only one reason. I am no longer a virgin. It's a mistake I regret, but I let it paralyze me in terms of dating because I have been scared to death to actually have to admit that to someone, especially someone I care about romantically. I felt so much shame, and up to that point only 4 people knew that about me. So rather than address it, I just avoided girls for the past 5 years. I was really able to release all that pain and shame to God and let it be covered by His grace. He has truly restored me and forgiven me. I've accepted His forgiveness and healing that He offers through the cross. It's been amazing to rid myself of that shame.

Through that experience, I took a long hard look at myself and honestly, I'm kind of a mess. I don't understand why I act the way that I do sometimes. I'm a very selfish person and I have major issues with allowing myself to be vulnerable. As I tried to examine these character traits, I ended up just going in circles. Actually spiraling down the rabbit hole might be a better way to describe it. Every thought pattern just opened up more and more things to consider. Add to that a psych background and the inability to come to any conclusions because I over analyze everything, the result was I wasn't getting anywhere with my "search for why." After about a month of it I said screw it and gave up because it just made my life more confusing. But fast forward three months later and I still have to desire to confront some of this stuff, not because I want to be able to pursue a girl, but because I want to be a better person. I want to be a better Christian, I want to be a better son, I want to be a better brother, and I want to be a better friend. I don't think God wants me to be a repressed emotionally-inept asshole, and I don't think my family and friends want that either.

I think I just need a new approach to addressing this stuff. I figure having something written out will be good because it will force me to have concise thoughts and reduce the number of tangents. The tangents will be good in terms of self-revelation, but I have tendency to jump around too much in my head. Only a few days into blogging and I have like 10 drafts of started most are just one line reminding me of things I want to explore later. This all seems to be working well so far. I've put some stuff out here, and even though this is anonymously posted, there's something freeing about putting it on the internet. It's almost like a release of sorts. Someday I might send the link to someone. I guess that would be best end result. No longer hiding. For right now though, it's just you and me blogger dot com.