Stunned

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

I found this quote today while I was tooling around on myspace. Actually, the quote I saw was much less harsh, but the person didn't reference it correctly, so in searching for it I found the full quote. I see the quote as sarcastic remark from a friend more than a great thinker positing on one of life's mysteries. It's what all my friends have tried to say to me over the past two years, but without the eloquence.

While the "irredeemable" part is scary, I can't help but see comfort in the unbreakable and impenetrable part. Should my love/heart be redeemable? So someone can just rip it out again? I mentioned before that I hate the person I become in a relationship, it's because the person I become is nauseating. I'm a hopeless romantic, full of romantic gestures, but I try my best to stifle and drown that crap in my everyday life. When I'm dating someone, I'm unable to stifle it. I want to open up, but I hate the result. I always end up feeling like a fool. After Celise and I broke up, she talked all summer about getting back together or at least she talked of keeping the option open, I was completely against the idea. To me once there is a break up, it needs to end for closure purposes, if a "rerelationship" is going to work the first one needs to be closed, otherwise it's going to be the same story. Anyways, after the summer I saw her again, and I think in my desperate state (living in Cincinnati with no friends) I made a big romantic gesture saying I wanted her back, the time was right, blah blah blah. Of course I was rejected, that's the way those things go, for me at least. It's not like I wish it would have gone differently, that relationship was doomed, but it's not the first time this stuff has happened. I feel so dumb from that conversation, still to this day. I think that's why I don't care about seeing a lot of my old college friends b/c I assume some of them know that and are just laughing at me on the inside. Once again, proving I care way too much about what people think. Most likely, even if they do know, they probably have completely forgotten and if they remember they could care less, but somehow I'm so scared of being vulnerable, or even someone knowing I was once vulnerable. I don't know what that's about.

What's weird is that I kind of crave that vulnerability. As I write this, I think of one day showing it to someone, or I think of sharing some of the conclusions that I come to, but yet that freaks me out so much. I don't think I'm really a dichotomy b/c as I think about it I enjoy the sharing part, I'm just scared what's going to happen after I share. I only a have a few friends that I trust implicitly where I feel safe sharing that kind of stuff b/c I know they will not think differently of me, they will continue to love me.

It's strange, for so long I've been trying to convince myself that I don't need a spouse, but maybe I do. Last night in church the pastor was talking about our need to be cared for. It's this innate need created in us that desires to receive care from another person. I guess I believed that, but just though it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. God created some of us unique in that we don't need that, but I don't think that is true. Maybe he does intend for everyone to have a mate? Writing that last paragraph has made me really rethink everything. What does that mean for me if I actually admit that I need to look for a spouse (passively or actively)? I've built my world around me that is confortable and safe "wrapped carefully in hobbies and little luxuries" and I hate the idea of leaving that safe world.

Why a blog?

I suppose I should address why I am choosing to journal/blog because some of the back story is pertinent to everything at hand. The basic answer is that I want to get thoughts out in writing so that I can (maybe) sort them out. If you want the long drawn out version, keep reading.

Back in December there were some issues that were brought to light in my life. It was stuff I've tried to bury for years, but I was forced to confront it at some level. I was at a Christmas party in early December and I was "introduced" to this girl Jennie. I ended up talking with Jennie for about 30 minutes and was just blown away. Never before has a girl been that intriguing to me. It actually freaked me out a bit. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending your viewpoint), Jennie seemed disinterested so I didn't have to actually do anything, but that didn't stop my friends from harassing me for the next few days. I was finally forced to tell the real reason why I have avoided relationships for so long. I've come up with all sorts of excuses the past few years, like "I'm moving to California so no reason to date someone in Ohio," "no money because I'm unemployed," or "I've seen 2 friends go through divorce in the past year and I don't want that to be me." That last one's actually somewhat legitimate. Their stories have really freaked me out. In reality though, there was really only one reason. I am no longer a virgin. It's a mistake I regret, but I let it paralyze me in terms of dating because I have been scared to death to actually have to admit that to someone, especially someone I care about romantically. I felt so much shame, and up to that point only 4 people knew that about me. So rather than address it, I just avoided girls for the past 5 years. I was really able to release all that pain and shame to God and let it be covered by His grace. He has truly restored me and forgiven me. I've accepted His forgiveness and healing that He offers through the cross. It's been amazing to rid myself of that shame.

Through that experience, I took a long hard look at myself and honestly, I'm kind of a mess. I don't understand why I act the way that I do sometimes. I'm a very selfish person and I have major issues with allowing myself to be vulnerable. As I tried to examine these character traits, I ended up just going in circles. Actually spiraling down the rabbit hole might be a better way to describe it. Every thought pattern just opened up more and more things to consider. Add to that a psych background and the inability to come to any conclusions because I over analyze everything, the result was I wasn't getting anywhere with my "search for why." After about a month of it I said screw it and gave up because it just made my life more confusing. But fast forward three months later and I still have to desire to confront some of this stuff, not because I want to be able to pursue a girl, but because I want to be a better person. I want to be a better Christian, I want to be a better son, I want to be a better brother, and I want to be a better friend. I don't think God wants me to be a repressed emotionally-inept asshole, and I don't think my family and friends want that either.

I think I just need a new approach to addressing this stuff. I figure having something written out will be good because it will force me to have concise thoughts and reduce the number of tangents. The tangents will be good in terms of self-revelation, but I have tendency to jump around too much in my head. Only a few days into blogging and I have like 10 drafts of started most are just one line reminding me of things I want to explore later. This all seems to be working well so far. I've put some stuff out here, and even though this is anonymously posted, there's something freeing about putting it on the internet. It's almost like a release of sorts. Someday I might send the link to someone. I guess that would be best end result. No longer hiding. For right now though, it's just you and me blogger dot com.