It was all worth it because now I'm marrying the most wonderful woman in the world!!!

Help me let it go.

INTJ

That's my type. It's who I am, I guess. It's hard to believe that 4 letters can sum up and dictate my life so much. Well they don't because as a psych person I have to point out the fallibility of any personality scale, and while useful is finding out about one's self, there is no way they can completely describe a person. Random variables that happen to cluster among a large N doesn't qualify as an extremely helpful personality nomenclature. Never the less, it is helpful in identifying patterns or even just making me think about my patterns.

I had a very intense conversation with a friend, Keah.

Why is it so easy to guard myself by pushing people away? The minute I start to feel even the possibility of pain, I retract like a turtle into my shell. Why do I always take the safest route? Why do I not seek happiness? I don't understand why I'm so afraid of rejection.

Girl

I haven't posted in awhile. I've been incredibly busy and actually been able to stay on task at work for the most part. I guess that's a good thing, but it's nice to sit back and blog and lose myself in writing for awhile. I've found there is something truly therapeutic about all of this. Even though I haven't written everything down, this has been a great way to focus my thoughts.

Right now I'm really back and forth on this girl, Keah. I've known Keah for years now. She's actually one of my oldest friends. Only my two friends that I keep in touch with from growing up would I consider older friends than Keah. We met in high school. She was living in Denver at the time where her dad was a pastor in the church of god. We actually met before the 1996 Phoenix youth convention in Tijuana at a work camp. Supposed we met there, but I don't remember it. I remember getting to know Keah the next summer at campmeeting. She actually ended up being closer to some of the other guys in my youth group because they were more her age. Anyways, I think I have developed feelings for her.

Update - I have developed feelings for her. I had to really question myself, when I was willing to fly her down from Seattle just for they day. I think I've felt this way for a couple of months, but because of the long friendship history I just tried to ignore it, but I can't anymore. I find myself having to resist calling her b/c I want to talk to her so much. It's so difficult b/c I dont' think she feels the same way. Any signs that might speak to that can easily be attributed to a long close friendship. I hate this and I love it. It's so good to have these types of feelings again because it has been so long, but at the same time it scares the crap out of me.

Sinning for People's Approval

I recently read Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell and absolutely loved the book. I feel like the ideas in that book were what I've thought all along, but just written more eloquently (I'm liking the word "eloquent" lately). The part that challenged me the most is where he was talking about dealing with his own issues. I identified with him in so many ways. He said he came from a functional family so finding issues was a bit difficult. I am the same way. I mentioned in this blog before (or maybe an email to a friend) how it doesn't make sense that I have issues because I come from a loving family. I struggle to see how I am misguided or damaged. It seems that I am, but I don't understand what got me there. Bell mentioned that his issue was one of people pleasing. All of his actions were trying to please others. None of the actions seemed bad, but they weren't being done from the right reasons. Bell was trying to please people or get their approval. I fall into that same trap. I was raised as a well-mannered person and that I should always make a good impression because I am should be a good person. I think I lost the second part though and have focused much more on the just the impression or approval, not the person part.

Recently a close friend returned from Africa and has totally been changed by that experience. He now feels an intense calling to serve in Africa in some capacity. He is now trying to figure out what that looks like. I think that is just amazing, and I'm almost jealous of the passion that he has. I have felt something towards Africa and have been wanting to find a way to go in the next couple of years. I strongly support the One campaign and tell as many people as possible about it. But I don't have that intense drive to serve there. I wish I did, but I don't. Yet, I found myself wanting to find that intense drive so that my friend could better identify with me. I felt distanced a bit by his new passion and scared that my current passion (worship music) now has a secondary status in his eyes. I didn't want him to think differently of me because of where I was. I never acted on this fortunately because it's not how I feel right now. While I do realize that the plight of many Africans and the issues of social justice there far outweigh dealing with musical perfection, I'm just not there. I need to be ok with who or where I am. Actually, I don't need to be ok with that, but I need to be ok with the journey I'm on. My one purpose in life is to become the person God wants me to be. I need to pursue that above all else. Anything else is sinning.

Stunned

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless -- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

I found this quote today while I was tooling around on myspace. Actually, the quote I saw was much less harsh, but the person didn't reference it correctly, so in searching for it I found the full quote. I see the quote as sarcastic remark from a friend more than a great thinker positing on one of life's mysteries. It's what all my friends have tried to say to me over the past two years, but without the eloquence.

While the "irredeemable" part is scary, I can't help but see comfort in the unbreakable and impenetrable part. Should my love/heart be redeemable? So someone can just rip it out again? I mentioned before that I hate the person I become in a relationship, it's because the person I become is nauseating. I'm a hopeless romantic, full of romantic gestures, but I try my best to stifle and drown that crap in my everyday life. When I'm dating someone, I'm unable to stifle it. I want to open up, but I hate the result. I always end up feeling like a fool. After Celise and I broke up, she talked all summer about getting back together or at least she talked of keeping the option open, I was completely against the idea. To me once there is a break up, it needs to end for closure purposes, if a "rerelationship" is going to work the first one needs to be closed, otherwise it's going to be the same story. Anyways, after the summer I saw her again, and I think in my desperate state (living in Cincinnati with no friends) I made a big romantic gesture saying I wanted her back, the time was right, blah blah blah. Of course I was rejected, that's the way those things go, for me at least. It's not like I wish it would have gone differently, that relationship was doomed, but it's not the first time this stuff has happened. I feel so dumb from that conversation, still to this day. I think that's why I don't care about seeing a lot of my old college friends b/c I assume some of them know that and are just laughing at me on the inside. Once again, proving I care way too much about what people think. Most likely, even if they do know, they probably have completely forgotten and if they remember they could care less, but somehow I'm so scared of being vulnerable, or even someone knowing I was once vulnerable. I don't know what that's about.

What's weird is that I kind of crave that vulnerability. As I write this, I think of one day showing it to someone, or I think of sharing some of the conclusions that I come to, but yet that freaks me out so much. I don't think I'm really a dichotomy b/c as I think about it I enjoy the sharing part, I'm just scared what's going to happen after I share. I only a have a few friends that I trust implicitly where I feel safe sharing that kind of stuff b/c I know they will not think differently of me, they will continue to love me.

It's strange, for so long I've been trying to convince myself that I don't need a spouse, but maybe I do. Last night in church the pastor was talking about our need to be cared for. It's this innate need created in us that desires to receive care from another person. I guess I believed that, but just though it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. God created some of us unique in that we don't need that, but I don't think that is true. Maybe he does intend for everyone to have a mate? Writing that last paragraph has made me really rethink everything. What does that mean for me if I actually admit that I need to look for a spouse (passively or actively)? I've built my world around me that is confortable and safe "wrapped carefully in hobbies and little luxuries" and I hate the idea of leaving that safe world.